This might be a mundane topic to those who come from a place where this kind of thing is socially acceptable or even encouraged, but see, I'm going to be living with someone not an immediate family member for the first time in my life next month and I haven't the foggiest idea what to do. Just general things: bills, house rules, etc. but the specifics I'm having trouble planning for.
So hubski, how do you cope with big changes? Do you try and reduce the unknowns obsessively? Do you play it by ear? How much control of your life's direction do you need?
EDIT: Should I have mentioned that my soon-to-be roommate is also my SO, and that we're both males?
EDIT 2: I'm sorry, but I misspoke. I have lived with other strangers before but in highly regimented in-campus dorms, not in an apartment-esque unit where you're basically free to do whatever you want.
EDIT 3: I don't know how to do a strikethrough.
coffeesp00ns wrote It's interesting to ask SO, what he thinks the deal is. See if it's what you think it is. Hax, you wrote:
From all you've said in this thread, that seems to be the most important issue. Making these agreements and changing them when they don't work is how you develop a core personality. A core personality is finding out what you like and don't like and having the courage to speak up about it. You develop a core personality when you stand up for ideas you believe in -- even if it's a little thing, admitting a preference to yourself moves you in the direction of having a "core personality." A good partnership is when you can accept the differences and negotiate a shared reality.
Breakup is certain when one partner is afraid to speak up or doesn't know how to speak up or speaks up and immediately backs down when there's opposition. You'll find out all this.
You said that you've been a sheltered suburban and SO isn't. Do you feel that SO has more preferences and opinions and experience about this? Maybe you feel your inexperience means you don't deserve to have opinions.
Anyway, thanks for the link to The Story of Your Life. The story is about the difficulty communicating with an alien species. Kind of like relationships - even same-sex ones.COMMUNICATE: "House Rules" are a little silly, but having some basic points to anchor your relationship with your room mate is a good idea.
Every relationship is a deal, but you won't necessarily have the same deal unless you agree on what the deal is. This is your SO, so presumably you have made agreements about open vs closed relationships, safe sex, money, noise, quiet times, going out, staying in, priorities, parents, vacations, closets and so on.
I still haven't found a "core" personality I can anchor myself to and I'm kind of getting tired of dealing with new things and new unknowns and new life goals.
kleinbl00's advice is good. a few further bits of advice: 1.) Trust yourself, and expect yourself to be responsible. The first thing you will notice is that no one (to an extent) will be there to be a safety net for all the small things in your life. You mention Bills, etc. For me, the paying of the bills is not necessarily the problem (though sometimes working and making money does get in the way of things i want/need to do), it is the motions of paying them - taking the time to actually DO it, that's the rub. Side note: pay your bills on time. Banks don't like when you're tardy. 2.) If you're a schedule maker, or even if you're not, make time in your life to catch up on the things that need doing: Laundry, vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom. 3.) COMMUNICATE: "House Rules" are a little silly, but having some basic points to anchor your relationship with your room mate is a good idea. People differ, so it's more of a matter of metering out your differences than setting "rules" proper. If you're a morning person and love listening to music while you cook, your night owl room mate might appreciate you wearing headphones as you dance in your socks. as always, "your mileage may vary", and others will as well.
Fuck. I read this as "with someone is an immediate family member" and then got to " also my SO, and that we're both males?" and had a bit of a waiiiiit what. I'm going to answer the little details over the big change because big changes requires way more dedication than I can muster at 2am. Big changes are generally awesome though. I get antsy without a big change. Be excited! That said... Just go with the flow as much as possible. Most things that you plan for won't be big deals and the things you don't plan for will turn into major issues. Just remember communication is key, anger is bad, don't let your frustrations build up, writing down your emotions and feels is good, yelling or texting them is bad, and this other person has lived successfully without you for their entire life. So even if the way they do things is shocking to you, it obviously hasn't killed them yet. Take that into consideration and then determine how frustrating/harmful/annoying/anger-inducing it is to you and how to deal with it. Take into consideration the things that you do that others may find strange or disgusting and keep that in mind moving forward. I'm a girl and I know every single one of my SOs has hated when I cut my hair in the bathroom and miss a few (like 20) strands and they're on the counter or flor. It doesn't bother me and I always do a full wet wipedown the next morning after the shower but they hate it. So I try not to do it. Things like that. Bills/rent/groceries/shared items like TP and paper towels and microwaves - sit down and talk it out. Don't take responsibility for everything and don't let other's take responsibility for everything. Have a good mix. In college we had one girl who got all the common items with her parents before the semester started. She then refused to buy anything for the place ever again and eventually would yell at us for using the microwave because we were out of paper towels. It was a mess. Everything should be fair to protect yourself and your roomates from getting a big head. :P Also, something that is going to be very new is buying groceries and eating food. Don't eat your roommates food. Ever. It's one of those things. You're probably used to eating whatever food is in the fridge without thinking of it. I promise you this will be one of the destroyers of everything happy and sane in a living situation. Sometime's it's okay if you ask and he explicitly states that it's okay. Explicitly. I just wouldn't ever recommend it until you are really, really solid and have had some practice at this. Even asking can be dangerous because it's hard to say no to someone who just asked to eat your cheese sticks. Resentments. Hatred. Hiding food. I've heard of it all.
Erm, about food...We agreed to take turns cooking for each other. I live (or will live) in the slum parts of the city and the nearest source of fresh grub is the wet market a 5-minute walk from our future unit. I've never bought anything by myself in a wet market before. This'll be a challenging first few months for us, I expect.
In your situation, LAY DOWN CONSTRAINTS. Do so early, and be generous. If it takes a while to figure out what your constraints are, be sure to mention them as they come up. I've lived in both party houses and highly-regimented 2 bedroom apartment agreements, and have discovered that the more active you are in the household, the more reciprocity you'll enjoy. Do not regret to do the dishes for any of your companions, and do not be afraid of using it as a bargaining chip along the road! That way, you'll find those that are true to your efforts. The reason I say this is: because it is way too easy for yourself and roommates alike to be lazy and to not spelunk into the cavern of each other's personalities, it is better to be like-minded, preferably on clean, solid ground, for the betterment of each other and others (i.e. guests). Personally, I prefer to live alone. Good luck to you OP. It will be a big change but you sound like a college freshman. :)
We actually had a sit-down on things we should watch out for, but I expect there's still a lot of surprises down the road for both of us. My only worry is if we didn't catch all of the big ones. You mention reciprocity. I understand that people tend to discount the efforts of others when it comes to doing shared responsibilities like washing the dishes. How can I avoid this? I don't want to get into a fight just 'cause we refuse to recognise each other's efforts and I know thinking rationally becomes more and more difficult to do the more tired you get (whether from school or just life in general). From what I hear, tallying chores is one of the more common points of contention between couples and I still haven't found an acceptable solution to that problem. Erm, about that last point...I'm two years into a five-year course and I've transferred dorms more times than I can count. It's just that this would be my first taste of more freedom and more leeway than what in-campus dorms usually allow.
Personally, I try to zone in on each aspect of the change. Every detail plays a key role in the big picture, so I carefully think through all of the parts. Once I'm finished, I put it all together and it's not so bad. Of course, I'll often overlook things. But being mentally prepared for most of it goes a long way.
An inevitability. I like that. Reminds me of Ted Chiang's short story, Story of Your Life. Basically, he espouses there are two ways of looking at perception: the sequential, cause-and-effect one and the Dr.-Manhattan-esque I-know-what-will-happen-but-I-can-only-watch-while-it-does one. What do you mean by "do what's fair" though? I don't really trust my judgment when it comes to these things because I am aware I have lived a rather sheltered life. I'm a suburb kid, unlike my SO, so I figured there's a lot of things that I was made oblivious to while growing up. Anyway, the reason why I asked this question is that I have observed that whenever I go through big changes, I also change in a big way. I usually don't survive unscathed. I still haven't found a "core" personality I can anchor myself to and I'm kind of getting tired of dealing with new things and new unknowns and new life goals. So basically what I'm asking is, is there a way to ensure some measure of stability while going through these phases? I can foresee maybe four or five more big changes in my immediate future and I would really like to be prepared for them.
I've always been a "flying by the seat of your pants" kinda person. But - when in unfamiliar territory, try (if you can) to see things from the other person's POV, and if you can't, try to find out why; there's something there you don't know. Don't assume either, just talk about it (as coffeesp00ns wisely suggests). Also, general advice from the computer world : "Be liberal in what you accept and conservative in what you send."