Just preparing some course material on this stuff and thought some people here might find it useful.
Steps to Raise Your Self Esteem
1. Have realistic expectations. If you expect yourself to be perfect all the time you will be constantly disappointed in yourself. Judge yourself in terms of your own growth.
2. Have a realistic perception of yourself. Beware of inaccurate feedback from others who need to put you down in order to build themselves up.
3. Be especially aware of old perceptions of yourself. Don’t let your eight-year-old self be telling you who you are now.
4. Stop comparing yourself to others.
5. Stop putting yourself down. Build yourself up with affirmations. Whether speaking about your appearance, your career, your relationships or any other aspect of your life, avoid self-deprecating comments. Instead of saying, “I’m such an idiot,” say, “I’m so human.”
6. Accept all compliments with “Thank you." When you reject a compliment, you are telling yourself that you are not worthy of praise.
7. Associate with positive, supportive people. Observe role models.
8. Make a list of your past successes and positive qualities.
9. Start giving more. Give more of yourself to those around you. When you do things for others, you are making a positive contribution and you feel more valuable, which lifts your spirits and raises your self-esteem.
10. Get involved in work and activities you love. Take action. Self-esteem flourishes when you are engaged in work and activities that you enjoy and make you feel valuable. Taking action involves taking risks to do new things. You will be proud of yourself for trying. When fear and anxiety control your life, you are frustrated and unhappy and endangering your self-esteem.
11. Be true to yourself. You are unique with enormous potential and capacity for experiencing love of yourself and others. As self-esteem grows, the real you emerges. You take more risks and do not fear failure. Approval of others is less important. Ultimately high self-esteem brings peace of mind.
Ha! I just finished reading a chapter in Edward Luce's new book which states that the emphasis on self-esteem over self-actualization is the biggest factor in the decline of the average American student. Advice like "stop comparing yourself to others" is akin to setting kids up for failure -- throughout life you will be compared with others in a practical sense (jobs, school, society, even potential mates) and you've got to learn the brain trick of accepting that while simultaneously realizing that there's not always shame in being judged "less." EDIT: to what does the course material pertain?
That's fantastic. I'll have to order a copy. Don't you think you need some self-esteem to even be able to go for self-actualization. It's all about finding out who you are and being okay with yourself enough to want to "actualize" as Maslow used to say. By the way, I'm fond of Maslow's needs theories but there are several other theories of human needs - I can't get into it here. Anyway, I wonder what Luce is on to - I'll check it out. There's lots to argue with the above list and #4 is arguable. #7 is difficult. It's like the list of instructions on how to be funny is to "hang around with funny people." It's awesome if you can find them, but you'd have to buy them a lot of dinners to get them to hang around with you if you are not funny. ha ha. Always lots to discuss, but I have to run. The course is called "interpersonal communication" in one context and "communication skills for computer scientists" in another. Edit as you can imagine, I bought a certain funny person a lot of dinners. I am much funnier than I used to be. It was worth every penny.
I think you need honesty to self-actualize. Sometimes self-esteem is honest -- when it's earned, not given. Pretty significant difference and you see that playing out in k-12 all across America. Luce, you know, the book is kind of sad ... he lists America's problems. I'm about a third of the way through, he's still talking about education. He interviews charter schools, Bill Gates, Obama staffers, idea guys, everything in between -- and then the chapter ends with him talking to the president of Stanford, who says that the problem would solve itself in 25 years if parents would just read to their children from the ages of 0-6. He's right, and everyone else is just talking...Don't you think you need some self-esteem to even be able to go for self-actualization.
What about the idea that slightly depressed people actually see the world most accurately? This was found in a study and probably written up by tons of crap journals, let me see if I can find it...oh here's wikipedia Guess it's controversial. But anyway, if optimistic/"well adjusted" people are more likely to believe that the world favors them, that things happen to favor them, etc - more likely to attribute chance events to fate or having "deserved" them - what does that mean for the idea that you need honesty for self-actualization? Is true self-honesty possible?
I think the people who say "stop comparing yourself to others" know that too. As far as I can tell, what they mean by "stop comparing yourself to others" is "stop determining your worth by how much you compare to others". While other people may do that, doing it to yourself is worse. Advice like "stop comparing yourself to others" is akin to setting kids up for failure -- throughout life you will be compared with others in a practical sense (jobs, school, society, even potential mates) and you've got to learn the brain trick of accepting that while simultaneously realizing that there's not always shame in being judged "less."
Hey Lil, Thank you very much for this list. I sometimes feel bad that I don't interact with you very much here, because you are so cool and thoughtful, and come up with great posts like this. So a little story: I was hanging out the other day and a friend said I was "cool". I went with my immediate response which is to say I said: "No I'm really not" She stopped me and said "No don't do that, I'm not going to do that any more either" We had this moment where we realized that we were putting ourselves down for no reason. Literally no reason whatsoever. We both think each other are cool and we should both be able to express and enjoy that. We realized that what we thought was a safety net was really our dumb brains doing dumb brain stuff. So number 5 is a big one and really has changed my outlook on myself in only a couple of weeks. Being mindful of self-talk can be a very positive experience.
This makes me really happy. I love seeing this. You are putting yourself out there in such a big way, there's so much strength in that. Not to sound patronizing, but this makes me proud of you. It's cliche, but you can't hit a home run unless you swing: "In 1923, Babe Ruth broke the record for most home runs in a season. That same year, he also broke the record for highest batting average. There is a third record he broke that year that most people don't know about: In 1923, Babe Ruth struck out more times than any other player in Major League Baseball."
Thanks. Submissions are my least favorite part and annoy me/strike me as pointless - but gotta do 'em, you know? My goal is/was to get 6 poems accepted this year. I'm at 4. I am not certain I will hit six. But I am putting 'em out there, even though they are generally my weird little monstrous babies. That's a great quote. I'm actually going to steal it for my Facebook.
Thanks lil :) These are all mostly "nice" rejections except for Salamander. Salamander was basically like "You think you can write? Fuck you." Although I haven't gotten a really MEAN rejection letter yet - of the kind where the editors ask you why you think you can write etc - I'm sure it's coming in the pipeline, it's a matter of inevitability.
Long ago in a province far away, long before internet publishing, I wrote my first short story independently, as a somewhat adult, not assigned by a teacher. It was about encountering a blind man in a co-ed sauna. I sent it to an early feminist fiction journal in Canada called Room of One's Own. and I waited. And waited. And waited. Eventually a letter arrived. It said similar stuff to the ones you posted "not right for us at this time", etc. But this rejection letter had one line that thrilled me: "Frankly," it said, "it gave us some pause." Since it was my first ever submission of a story, that line gave me some pause. I'll dig the story up and post it here under #shortstory.lil
When you do post it, can you PM the link or shout-out? I am on the go all week and headed out of town Wednesday, but I will look forward to making time to read it. Thanks!
Thanks for that, I needed that. I was trying to get more involved in school this year and applied to be part of some comities but I got rejected by all :( I guess it's hard to compete when everybody around is so career-oriented ... Not too sure what to do with all the free time I have now. All this rejection made me realize it probably means my CV is shit and I should start volunteering or something to fill it out a bit more.
More radio people! Now is actually a good time to get involved, seeing as how Friday is International College Radio Day. Stay tuned for a big ole self-reflective post on college radio on Friday.
We don't have a radio and honestly I don't know much about music. My friends find it strange but I've never been passionate with music. I realized that when I begged my parents for an ipod for christmas (back when it was the coolest thing you could own) and ended up barely ever listening to it. The problem is being in comities looks really good on a CV but as an example, they only need about 10 people in the Marketing comity to organize events and all. Of course I can volunteer at the events (i might actually do that) but it's not the same as organizing them. Too many ambitious people competing for the few spots. And I've never done anything impressive career-wise so I'm at a disadvantage and can't get involved. Time to start fixing that before I actually end up on the job market with nothing except a diploma.
This. A thousand times this. I attribute most, if not all, of my maturity to having skipped two grades. That's not because I think academic proficiency leads to emotional maturity; rather, when I moved up, I was surrounded by older, generally more mature people, so I was essentially forced to mature with them. And now I'd like to think I've caught up with my peers. Oh, and the rest of who I am has been greatly influenced by theatre because of this one: Great post, lil. Thanks for sharing.7. Associate with positive, supportive people. Observe role models.
As self-esteem grows, the real you emerges. You take more risks and do not fear failure.
This is all great but... How? Every time someone has given this advice, I've asked, "How?" The answer is almost inevitably, "Just do it." I'm sure everyone who gives advice like this means well, but what are the "next ten words" to use the phrase from the West Wing? There's no "just do it" - there has to be a strategy. So what's the strategy?1. Have realistic expectations. If you expect yourself to be perfect all the time you will be constantly disappointed in yourself. Judge yourself in terms of your own growth.
2. Have a realistic perception of yourself. Beware of inaccurate feedback from others who need to put you down in order to build themselves up.
3. Be especially aware of old perceptions of yourself. Don’t let your eight-year-old self be telling you who you are now.
4. Stop comparing yourself to others.
5. Stop putting yourself down. Build yourself up with affirmations. Whether speaking about your appearance, your career, your relationships or any other aspect of your life, avoid self-deprecating comments. Instead of saying, “I’m such an idiot,” say, “I’m so human.”
In my case, the strategy is the rest of the course I'm teaching. It involves examining and evaluating one's current perceptions, self-esteem, and interactions with others. If those behaviours are not effective in helping you achieve goals, then there are other ways of behaving that might be more effective. The "how" involves public speaking exercises, role-playing activities, improv and so on. There's a "how". For example, I have a unit I wrote on self-esteem. It's activities that explore who you are and where your ideas of yourself came from. It's a tool for self-understanding. The how involves observing the messages you are sending yourself now and questioning those messages. It has many elements of cognitive behaviour therapy in the context of a course. Ok - How? How do you get realistic expectations. What does "realistic" mean? Consider your past performance and set a goal that is slightly better than that. Failure lowers your self-esteem, but "failure" in many cases is a label people put on themselves when they fail to achieve an unrealistic goal. Each of the items can be translated into a specific to-do list for people -- but it does involve a certain amount of self-monitoring.
I'm currently experiencing a bout of low self esteem. Moreso, low self-confidence (are those the same thing?). I have to agree with flag, self-esteem brought about artificially is coddling. But at the same time, I believe that faking confidence is sometimes a worthwhile method, lending you some measure of calm that will get you through an ordeal, and then the fake confidence turns into real confidence. Because honestly, other people rarely can tell the difference between self-confidence, and the facade of self-confidence.
I totally agree with this bootz. "You are what you pretend to be" (to quote Kurt Vonnegut out of context). This relates to the issues flags brought up. I'm not entirely against coddling (participation awards, for example). It's a hell of a lot better than telling kids they are stupid and will never amount to anything. The kids can see through the fake praise eventually and sometimes want real feedback.
I think the people who are against participation awards believe that too many kids (and parents, by extension) assume that not getting an award means that they're stupid and will never amount to anything. Another argument used by people against participation awards. "The kids will see them as worthless anyway, since everybody got one." I'm not entirely against coddling (participation awards, for example). It's a hell of a lot better than telling kids they are stupid and will never amount to anything.
The kids can see through the fake praise eventually and sometimes want real feedback.
As I understand it, the book flagamuffin referred to claims that building 'fake' self-esteem instead of encouraging real achievement has led to the slide in education. (I haven't read it yet). As you say, kids see the so-called recognition as worthless. I think the whole issue of self-esteem is more complicated. Many people need positive reinforcement, recognition, and encouragement to have enough confidence to take big leaps. Others have a natural curiosity that propels them. I prefer to err on the side of positive, sincere encouragement and feedback. I always think of the story my brother tells. My mother is of the school of endless praise. She's a child and family psychologist and has always been positive and encouraging. My older brother realized this and increasingly distrusted anything she said. He won a Genie (Canadian Oscars) for best original screenplay for the first movie he ever wrote. He took the Genie home and put it on the table in front of my mother and said, "This is feedback." "Feedback" That story stuck with me, because ultimately praise and encouragement isn't enough - but it might have helped give him the confidence to do what he needed to do. Shoutout thenewgreen Meatballs story.
The little bit I know of good parenting advice, on the topic of encouragement, is to praise achievement when it is actually achieved, and praise effort when it isn't. Then success is good, but a good, honest effort is also good! Which sounds ideal to me. Bias warning here, I was a 'gifted' kid and growing up was only ever told 'Oh you're so smart/kind/wise/etc' and I struggle with a lot of mental health issues, I think in large part due to that. You can't build kids up to be the next Messiah, because when they realize they can't save the world, it hurts. A lot. In a lot of different ways.