During a recent episodic bickering with my girlfriend, she fatefully said "I hate you."
It was not the content that affected me profoundly but her expression of it. I told her, in response, "That's a heavy word." And there continued on the typical massages and kissing. But I feel torn up about it.
1. I did not sleep that entire night, because the possibility was running through my head that she meant what she said.
2. It affected my work, because most of my work-hours are during the weekend (I mean as far as physical work goes; I do pedicabbing and driving during those hours)
3. I am just over feeling homesick, and perhaps the timing was bad.
What I decided to do was to stop contacting her. I received a handful of text messages, two phone calls and a voicemail (short) which said very little and very quietly. Still, racking in my brain is whether or not 'I hate you' has any consequences. Does it count as verbal abuse?
She may not have "meant" it, but she still has to be responsible always for the words she says. Rather than avoiding her, ask her exactly what she meant. Then make an agreement with her that you each would be responsible for the words you say. If you also used words carelessly during your "bickering" (for example, "stop being such a bitch") -- then you too have to consider what you meant. If you want this relationship to grow up, create some rules for "bickering." Here's some that seem pretty good.
It's a media trope. "I hate you" is used in Revenge, How I Met Your Mother, Friends, Frazier and I'm sure dozens of others to connote "I am moved beyond eloquence by your wily trickery, you naughty dog." She's doing nothing more than channeling her media landscape into your personal relationship. Don't let lazy screenwriters interfere with your love life. Apologize, realize this is 100% you and move on.
Keep in mind that hate is not the opposite of love: it's love spurned, turned sour. That's heavy stuff, so it's understandable to be overwhelmed. One thing that isn't clear to me: did she say this aloud, IM it, or text it? The tone of voice gets so easily lost in text. If she said "I hate you" in passing, it would probably mean something more like "I hate that you can't be here right now" -- a fairly innocent response in a long-distance relationship. If instead she screamed it, oy... If I can only offer one useful idea after many long-distance relationships and two years of marriage: don't simply close down. Explain to her what you experienced (that you saw "I hate you" -- she may have forgotten), how you reacted, and why this led you not to respond. Talk. She cannot read your mind nor you hers. It's hard work. It's worth learning how to do it.