There's something I've been meaning to tell Hubski, for this is a community of people I can trust, and what I mean to say is very important for me. I've been running away from telling it, as well, because it sounds severe and radical, even for the liberal Hubski, perhaps more severe and radical than it really is. I've been afraid of Hubski community's disapproval enough to skip writing this post earlier, but I now realize how little it matters.
I've been thinking about this for a while now, though always in the background. There's been a lot of bullshit in my life from the very beginning, at it was always sickening, though only recently have I figured this feeling out. I'm being held on an emotional leash by my egocentrical and immature parents through monetary dependence, myself being a student living in a different city while working nowhere. All the relationships I've had with both men or women were built on bullshit because I was too scared to speak my mind up and depended heavily on others' approval, and I've been either sheepish or outright dishonest just to get that. I've been holding myself in disregard because I was raised to believe I was nothing without my parents' staying in good mood or in pride of my achievements to which they've contributed nothing directly.
I've never felt strong enough to just leave it, but I've been trying to find a way to deal with it in the meantime. I think I've found one, and it's meant to be tough and strict.
Here's the plan: unless in three years time - by January 1st, 2019 - I accomplish anything worthy with my life, I'll kill myself.
I'm not suicidal, and I don't want to die. Such a losing condition is meant to be an incentive: my having a good life is a good enough thing to bet ending my life on. If in face of my death I will not understand the value of living, my life would indeed be worthless. I haven't been living anything of worth so far, doing barely anything of achievement and accomplishment to be proud of. If I am to die, than I shall certainly have the time of my life beforehand.
This doesn't mean I'm intent on getting a lose. The condition stands as such: I kill myself unless I do something worthy. Therefore, I consider suicide the default state unless proven otherwise, and I shall not stop before the three years time is up just because I've done something I feel good about at the moment. The time given should be plenty for me to understand the perspective of my actions if I hadn't had a grasp on it already, as well as to provide me with enough information on what I find worthy doing.
This post isn't meant as either a suicide note or a sympathy inducer, for I seek neither at the moment. Talking about it felt right and the community seems trustworthy of important causes, however personal those might be. I don't expect all of you to support me, but I don't expect you to talk me out of it either. I hope that you understand: this, for me, means starting a new life, with all the lessons I've learned and all the knowledge I have to get by on. Standing before death in measuring my life inspires me to do better: there's nobility in being able to admit on my deathbed that I haven't lived my life for nothing, and there's purity in measuring my life alongside the ultimate finish line, for it reveals what truly matters.
Anyway. How did your new year begin?
You're not supposed to accomplish anything at this point. It's a hard, hard time for many people in their life, but it does get better. If I had made such a declaration and stuck to it, I wouldn't have the friends I now have, I wouldn't have my wife and kids, I wouldn't have been a part of Hubski or decided to write and record music. All of these things happened after I was 27. There's no time line. Nobody is keeping score. Just do your best to enjoy moments. Whatever does bring you joy, or makes you even just a little bit happy, do that. Like a lot. It seems you're asking for help. That's a good thing. You've recognized that you're not satisfied and that you need speak to someone. Great job! Seriously, you should feel very encouraged by the fact that you have the emotional maturity to seek help. Now, take the next step. Seek help IRL from a qualified therapist. No shame in that. None at all. There are times in my life when I was helped greatly by a therapist. All my best! You can do thisHere's the plan: unless in three years time - by January 1st, 2019 - I accomplish anything worthy with my life, I'll kill myself.
if I had made the same declaration at your age, and if I had followed through with it, I would now be dead. This post isn't meant as either a suicide note or a sympathy inducer, for I seek neither at the moment.
Thanks, Steve. I appreciate your input. I have nothing to compare myself against, and so far, I've seen - or paid attention to - the early successful people. The imprint stuck, though your point of view makes things clearer. I'm not asking for help. I need it, because where I'm stuck, there's no crawling out of on my own, and I won't hesitate to ask - but this post isn't me asking: it's a public declaration, like what people do for fitness and reading books. It seemed clear that I should write about it at the time. I'm not sure about the goal of writing about it now, but I don't regret it. I'd really like to do something with my life - and so far, I've seen successes - small, but important. If that's the means to achieve it, I'll take it. What's the phrase? "War times take war measures"? And I'm fighting. If I'm really this hopeless - I'll go, but I don't want to believe that I am for a second. I know I'm going for something great in my life; I want it, and I need it. I want my life to be about something; doesn't have to be world-changing - just life-changing, personally. I appreciate you getting involved, but you're pushing me to do good. Please don't: I operate terribly under the pressure of improvement; I become rebellious, and that's the last thing I need right now - to rebel against doing better.
It sounds like things are pretty rough, maybe you want to write about it? I'll read it and respond if you do. I've found in my own life that guilt or punishment rarely ever helps me accomplish things I want to do in life. It's much better to lean on support systems (friends, hobbies, etc) they are there to help you through. Also, I am sure you've accomplished a lot more than you're mind is willing to admit. Try to dig deep. We all are on this crazy rock together don't be afraid to ask for a hand.
Things are rough, I can't but admit. I have no friends to turn to, and all relationships I've had so far have been destructive and self-sabotaging. I firmly believe myself not to have achieved anything of importance so far, especially seeing how others have done a lot so far. I'm prone to being my own enemy, which is not something that's easy to fight alone, and my neediness makes me an unattractive person to spend time around - and I have no idea how to deal with it without some sort of a support. But things are getting better ever since the declaration I've made to myself. Things are more honest, and I have less and less incentive to hide away from what bothers me. Even on the bad days, as I binge over food and TV series, I'm more honest with and accepting of myself than ever. I've started making stuff happen: those I'm interested in slowly turn in m head from objects to gain affection from to real people with their own needs, desires and beautiful details about their lives. Things, in general, turn from stuff that I want to change to stuff I appreciate for its difference. I don't have support systems - which is what led me to this position in the first place - but I'm finding strength to do something about it. I'm making contact with other people instead of hiding away. I'm building up more and more stable workflows for things that matter to me, like writing and programming. I'm expressing myself in the blog instead of keeping things neatly echo-chambered - which has served me ill so far, and I no longer find it appealing, however strong the urges are. Thanks to the few things happening in my life, I'm starting to see world as a brighter picture - and perhaps, with time, I shall see it as an interactive piece rather than a static one, which will help me tremendously. You see, that's what my fucking problem is: I don't know how to do that without appearing a submissive slag, when is it appropriate, whom is it appropriate to ask - and so on ad infinitum. I still have a lot of things to learn, and so far, I have to do it on my own; I don't see how things should change if I ask for help: so far, it has only pushed people away. There's no guide to follow, no general rules to look up to, no code to honor that I know of. I know there are ways to do better, but I haven't encountered those ways yet, and I have no idea whom to ask for it. Perhaps I'll learn it someday, but right now it's just damn frustrating.We all are on this crazy rock together don't be afraid to ask for a hand.
I think you have a good head on your shoulders, and you should give yourself some credit. There are others who would admit to being smart, although they did not have any answers at all. I am glad to hear that there are some good things going on in your life. I am also glad to hear that the resolution you made has been helping you. For me, making those kind of resolutions makes them short lived and burn out fast. Here is what I ask when I think of how unimportant I am, maybe it will help you: Did I help someone who needed it recently? Because that's all it takes. Really that's it! If you ever feel unimportant do a small favor for someone. Helping others is a great way to realize your own potential. It doesn't have to be in a soup kitchen or money to a stranger. It can be as simple as helping a friend move, or helping your mom or dad clean the house. That is the important stuff. Those are REAL accomplishments. Here is one of my favorite quotes from Amy Poehler's "Yes, please" which I think might help your position: "Yes, please" really is a secret code that unlocks doors. Go ahead and try it. If it doesn't work, all you've lost was a couple of "No thank yous". Keep making posts and updating your progress I'd be happy to follow along! “It’s called Yes Please because it is the constant struggle and often the right answer. Can we figure out what we want, ask for it, and stop talking? Yes please. Is being vulnerable a power position? Yes please. Am I allowed to take up space? Yes please. Would you like to be left alone? Yes please. I love saying “yes” and I love saying “please.” Saying “yes” doesn’t mean I don’t know how to say no, and saying “please” doesn’t mean I am waiting for permission. “Yes please” sounds powerful and concise. It’s a response and a request. It is not about being a good girl; it is about being a real woman. It’s also a title I can tell my kids. I like when they say “Yes please” because most people are rude and nice manners are the secret keys to the universe.”
That's a really good advice. I should keep that in mind: a friend of mine might need it soon enough; maybe I might, too. As for New Year resolutions, I think you might find interesting what I've said about it in my blog. It easily applies to any moment in your life, as a matter of fact, as long as it excites you emotionally in some way. You know, it's funny how I caught myself thinking "Nah, my own hashtag wouldn't work" after reading your last sentence. Why not? Am I so much worse than, say, lil who has her own #thestateoflil (I think it is)? So - yeah, maybe I'll go for it, if I have something to talk about. I'll shout out to you if there's something interesting to look at. Thanks for cheering me up, pal. I appreciate it.
I realized at one point that there is no dignity and no achievement in complaining about reality never being perfect (which is what people believe to be "good enough" often enough). By pointing out how bad it is without producing a solution, I encourage others to do the same. This is not how we go forward as human beings or as humanity whole. Hell, it's not even that bad! "Oh, it never works" - but the idea does! It's the application that sucks, and it just happens to be something we're capable of improving. We measure our lives from a certain standpoint, when it really has to be measured from zero; from nothing. Compared to that: - we have food production and delivery system capable of sustaining billions of people; - most of us have clean water piped in and shit piped out without leaving stains or requiring work; - we have portable computers capable of introducing us to virtual realities on the fly and the international network to share our thoughts - and other important information - through. Isn't that bloody amazing? This is what we better remember at times when things seem dull. This coming from a life-long cynic and pessimist should tell you something.the cynicism of "Well nothing will ever be good enough, so I can't do anything"