It sounds to me like you're ready to go but you feel you'd be letting her down if you do. Here's the thing, if you do stay, just so you don't let her down, you still will. You'll let her down because you can't give her the kind of two-way happiness she wants. You'll be miserable, and that will make her miserable. Before long you'll end up trapped in a loveless marriage because neither of you wants to hurt the other. If I am reading this right, the best way to avoid, or in this case minimise, any hurt, is to end things as soon as possible. You're both still young enough to have true happiness, raise families etc.

I may be wrong, you could be just in a rut. When was the last time you went out together, just the two of you for a romantic evening (dinner etc)? When was the last time you spent quality time together just cuddled up on the couch? If you are in a rut you can save this, and I hope this is the case.

I'm 36, not a lot older than you, and before I married my ex wife at 31 I felt much the same. We split after less than three years because we were both miserable. If the problems are worse than just being in a rut, marriage won't solve them. Any problems you have no, if not resolved, will continue into the marriage. If one of you isn't 100% in, the marriage won't last.

The upside though? A couple of years on from leaving, I'm happier than I've ever been. I've a new, fantastic lady, a new job and everything is coming up Millhouse. As for my ex, she's still single (a couple of guys were around for a little but didn't last) but she appears to be happier than I've ever seen her. Sometimes, you just have to cut your losses.

Shouldn't it be: "I cannot live without her!"?

That sounds a bit over-dramatic to me. But also, don't ever get married if you don't want to! Not because "it is time", or because you've been in a relationship for too long, or because of fear that she'll break up if you don't. Are you living together? In any case, you don't have to break up either. That's her decision to make if she feels its not worth it.

I lived together with my ex for a while before getting married, had a great relationship, and it still didn't work out. Depending on your views about marriage you might think that getting divorced vs. braking up is the same, I did. But it is not. It's not the same for everyone around you, family and friends, and its not the same to you because inevitably the relationship becomes part of where you see yourself going for the rest of your life, and changing that has profound emotional consequences.

It is not up to you to decide if you are wasting her life. It is up to her.

You don't sound very enthusiastic about your relationship.

I'm only 24, so sorry if I'm not the demographic you were looking for opinions from lol.

It doesn't seem like you're too excited to have a future (married or unmarried) with your girlfriend as it is. Sometimes "work it out" isn't a good answer because some things cannot simply be worked out. I was with my ex for 4 years and we had an ok relationship but I think we stuck together because it was comfortable, not because were very happy. That couldn't be worked out. Sometimes you spend a few years with someone and then realize hey maybe we don't want the same things, maybe this isn't what we thought it would be in the beginning.. And that's totally ok. I personally don't think relationships are ever a waste of anything. Growing with someone, whether it ends in a happy marriage or not, is not a waste and you gain experiences because of these relationships.

I don't think marriage will solve any issues you have now, and sticking to how you feel is not being selfish or unfair. Maybe this isn't the opinion you were looking for, but I think you have already kinda made up your mind.

I had a few paragraphs worth of response to your original post when I reread it again and something really stood out to me - how do you really feel about your girlfriend? You don't have to respond, I'm just asking rhetorically.

If you're willing to end the relationship just because she wants to get married and she's not willing to put any work in unless you do get married, it sounds like it would be unfair to both of you to stay together unless you have some sort of long term idea of where you want your relationship to go.

It's really easy to get caught up in the status quo - we as people don't like change and will tolerate some pretty surprising things just to prevent it. I've been in a relationship where we didn't agree on major topics like marriage and kids, but we stayed together because it was the convenient thing to do. I think we both hoped that something would change, but inevitably were apathetic to that end because we were on "relationship cruise control". Now, I'm happily married (to someone else) and in retrospect, I'm glad I ended that relationship. My ex is also happily married and has a couple of kids. It worked out better for both of us to just end it.

I'm not one of those feel-good people that's always going to tell you to work it out. That's why I asked you how you really feel about your girlfriend. Sometimes, it just makes more sense for both parties to move on.

Best of luck to the both of you.

Marriage is a legal agreement/contract that seeps into every area of your life. It determines taxes, rental rates, leasing, credit rating, benefits, custody rights, bank accounts, savings, wills, and so much else. Think about the stories you've heard about arranged marriages in times past : the entire point of the marriage is so that two families will become inextricably bound, the fate of nations type stuff.

Not every long-term couple needs to get married. I personally am not into marriage, have never dreamed about the perfect wedding gown or planned out my fairytale wedding. Because I know that people place way too much importance on labels, and not as much on actual content. Not wanting that fairytale event doesn't mean you're a bad person. Much like diamond rings: once you learn about the awful history behind diamonds and the great mind-fuck a corporation played on the American populace, it's no longer important. It's just a thing, a ring of metal, and what's more important is figuring out what's important to you.

The only reason I'd get married is for specific tax breaks, insurance reasons, if we had kids, and the like. And I'd definitely have a prenup. But if I'm with someone and they're pressuring me to get married NOT because of tax/economic reasons, but because they have a fairytale stereotype of "what people are supposed to do"... I'd run. Far away. I'd be nice about it, but I'd make it very clear we're not looking at things the same way, and end it. If she's all wrapped up in fairytale assumption and stereotype cliches, she may vilify you for refusing to acquiesce to her subjective way of thinking. No matter how considerate, rational and honest you are.

Relatedly, it's kinda like how someone you're in a relationship will ask you to proclaim eternal love for them, say that you'll stay with them forever. Like it's a test, and if you don't, they say you're afraid of commitment. Here's the thing: you have no guarantee you'll be together forever. Nation might sink into war, one of you may die early on, or maybe you grow apart. I'd much rather focus on love and commitment in the now.

So many cynical replies here, telling you to run.

A lot of women feel pressured to kind of get married by the time their 30, so they can start having babies. Remember that she's got about 10 years. Not much time to find another guy, make sure he's the right guy, that she can live with, settle down, start spawning. You've obviously in the "good enough" basket, warts and all. That's something.

Talk to her. Make sure she wants you to marry her for the right reasons. I was pressured into marrying my wife, and 8 years down the line, we divorced. You both have to be ready for it. It sucks if one of you is not. You really need to talk to her about your feelings. There may be other things wrong in your life that you feel need to be fixed before you are able to commit to her! You might think you need to do X or Y, before you can commit. You might feel that you can't do those things if you're married. Talk to her. Not to us. Talk to her. Be honest, and try not to be too emotional about it. You do love her, right?

Eeehhhh.. From the outside it looks like the relationship has plateaued.

You're both feeling unfulfilled in the relationship, and it's come to the point where she's issued an ultimatum, which is very unfortunate. Just play out the scenarios long term. If you just need a kick in the ass that's one thing, but you've gotten the kick and it doesn't look like anything happened except it upset you.

First big question to discuss with yourself: Do you or do you not want to get married? And do you or do you not want to marry her, specifically?

Second question: What will marriage change about your relationship? Do you believe that agreeing to marry her will unblock and resolve all your tensions and let you move forward?

Usually that's not the case. There's a bad stereotype about bad relationships getting "fixed" by getting married. Then when the toxic relationship becomes a toxic marriage, they "fix" that by having kids. And now you've got a couple stuck unhappy with a family that didn't give them the happiness they want.

FWIW, I'm the same way about kids. Been married almost 3 years (together for 12) and I've always wanted kids "some day". Not today, not tomorrow, but I wanted that door open, and it bothered me that my wife was a lot less open to the idea of starting a family than I was. But I let it fester, and sometimes it really bothered me. I wanted that door left open, because deciding to not having children is so final. And yet, after a decade, "some day" still hasn't come. And it's not going to. But it took me a long time to be really honest about it.

Just make sure whatever you decide is what you want, and you the consequences of that decision for the rest of your life. Keeping things happy is important in life, and the importance is in order of how close they sleep to you. Keep your brain happy. Then keep your wife happy. Then worry about everyone else, because their ability to make you miserable is far less than the other 2.

She has wasted her life. It's absurd that anybody thinks it's reasonable for a woman to aim to get married after 25.

It's not about the three years you've already invested. It's about the fear of another year repeating itself until you die.

Your doubts are a vital part of making your decision. Take them apart by figuring out what fuels them. Perhaps what you're seeing are larger trends in the existing cycles, but you can't describe them.

A friend of mine once put it really well: it's not what you see in each other, but whether you are both looking in the same direction. from this perspective, it doesn't sound like you are.

Think about a five-year plan with her. What milestones would you expect (buying a house, starting a family, feasting on the flesh of your rivals while drinking mead)? What would she expect? If you do not see enough overlap, you have an answer.

Marriage is not always the next step. Don't let social expectations push you into a legal contract. That's like signing up for a cell phone plan because they let you call Denver.

Ah, the woes of the dreaded 'relationship escalator'... - out of the question to simply be grateful for each others non-possesive presence in your lives and keep things as is for the time being all the way into the future...

I would throw in these two cents (especially since [being a 1st functional position internal intuitive guy] I can relate to the feeling something is off, but not quite having explicit thoughts as to why)

I'd say both of you take a 16 way split personality type test, 72 yes/no questions, then check your more accurate 4 layer cognitive functional stack description, and check some additional career/ relationship notes

Then google your two personality type codes together and see how others in your shoes are dealing with long term relationships/ marriages.

Personality type isn't everything - but it can open your eyes a tiny bit as to what's going on in the background, especially if you're like me, and are more external judging mind, rather than internal judging (I have a tendency to not know what exactly is happening in my mind, so reading about myself always comes with discovery and a sense of waking up..)

"I cannot live without her!" should never be the true feeling. A great relationship should be between people who want to be together, not who feel like they "need" to be together. I've been in a relationship for over 4 years with the majority of it being long distance. There was no reason for us to be 'together' other than our desire to stay in a relationship and let our love for each other continue to grow.

You say that you have issues to resolve that you feel are important to fix before getting more serious. What kind of issues are they? Financial? Conflicting future plans? Or are they problems with each other?

My girlfriend and I have talked about getting married and we have agreed together that marriage is something that shouldn't happen between us for another 3 years or so because of our current circumstances. Perhaps the two of you need to look at your circumstances and see what it is that makes her want to tie the knot and you to be hesitant.

If you care to elaborate on the issues between you to, maybe we can help more.

She disagrees and argues that it is it not worth any effort or time on her side if I won't commit to unconditionally before trying to trying to fix things.

Uh-oh. Get out while you still can! A thousand alarm bells should have been ringing in your head when she said that.

Once you're married, she has all the power in the relationship (because of how the law favours wives), and she probably knows that. The fact that she's pressuring you into proposing means that she doesn't have your best interest in mind. She's the one being selfish, not you. You're being manipulated into feeling guilty for not letting another person's desires dictate what is perhaps the biggest decision of your life.

Here's something you might want to ask yourself: can I trust this woman enough to put my life in her hands? Would she threaten me with divorce if I refused to do what she told me? Why is she trying to push me in a certain direction against my will?