At Olive Garden, “We’re all family here.” Our traditions, like unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks, have been enjoyed by many guests from all over the country and throughout the entire political spectrum.
It has come to our attention that a few of our guests had taken part on a viscous [sic] attack on our nation’s Capitol. We have worked with the FBI and the Holiday Inn in Washington D.C. to identify several guests who both frequented our restaurants and participated in the violent uprising against our government this week.
In response, Olive Garden has invalidated our Never Ending Pasta Pass for several guests and revoked a Lifetime Pasta Pass for Sean Hannity.
Olive Garden is dedicated to creating a safe and delightful environment for our guests with what we call Hospitaliano. This year has been difficult for many of us, and we cannot wait to see you and your family smiling and in our restaurants once again. Until that time, your favorite dishes from Olive Garden are available to order online for both pick up and delivery.
Among other things, I thought that "hospitaliano" was a blaring, obvious indicator that this was a joke. Nope, that part is real
Nero fiddled while Sean Hannity ate an irresponsibly large number of breadsticks