Oh my god. I can't. This. Guys. Guys I don't understand this feeling.
I enjoyed this film. Despite every stupid thing in the movie, from the title to the fact that it was filmed on basically someone's digital camcorder, from the fucking awful lighting and sound design to the fact that they just sort of filmed this in a house somewhere, I actually enjoyed watching this movie. I don't know what to feel right now. Is it shame?
Its not even guilty pleasure. My guilty pleasure is porn plots. This is actually enjoyable to watch from the point of view of a Z grade movie. Man do I have to explain a lot here.
Let's take it from the top. *It's My Party and I'll Die If I Want To" is a film made by some dude out in a town in bumblefuck nowhere, with camera work by Steve from Math Class, starring his girlfriend's friends or something. I don't even have anything sarcastic to say about the film. It looks like it was filmed in a webcam or something, the special effects are awful but at least practical, and the premise is a bunch of kids have a halloween party in a house where people were murdered.
I don't know where to begin here, because if I followed the movie chronologically you'll think its basically boring trash. Which, in retrospect, it basically is for almost an hour. That's the beauty of Z grade movies though. They're like blind dates. You spend the first part of the date having really awkward and dull conversations about nothing because you don't know the other person, and then you give a little prod to see if they'll come back up to your room. Most of the time they either won't, or if they do they'll be boring. But once every so often, you meet someone who is just fucking nuts. This metaphor is not at all appropriate, let me try that again.
This movie is like an huge shit. Its messy, sloppy, it smells bad and it hurts to squeeze it out of your ass, but the sheer size of it and the relief you feel at the end when the entire bathroom is one disaster area is something to be proud of. Hey, be thankful I went with the shit metaphor, I was tempted to call this movie a hilarious abortion.
Its just such a bonkers film and at times gives you the little hint that the filmmakers know that its both terrible and great at the same time. But we should do some formal questions. For some reason.
How's the acting?
Fucking terrific. Every actor and actress is god awful. They feel like the director just cast his friends, which he probably did, and I love every second of it. They're not quite Samurai Cop levels of bad, where actors literally don't make sense between scenes, and the writing could probably be a bit more wonky, but its still so bad its good.
Seeing them try and justify why they have to get naked for two scenes is probably one of my favorite dumb moments in recent cinema. Between that or the car full of high people not going in to the party early because "dude....I want a burger."
Is there a camera?
This movie has camera work like I have superpowers. I sort of do, but mostly it involves the ability to know that I'll have crippling arthritis in my wrists when I'm older, or the ability to drink a whole can of coke in like 11 seconds.
Whoever filled the role of cameraman also happened to love getting a close up of the zombie's face. Jesus.
Why aren't you really explaining a plot?
The plot is barely there. People go to house. House is haunted. Dude runs in to...a nail? The nail makes him a zombie or makes him the personification of the dead ghost guy? But he also has acid blood. Except that might just be smoke effects.
Okay well he becomes a zombie even though the other guy was also a zombie, and then he kills the girl which makes her heart explode, and then she becomes a zombie, and then another girl dies, and then the main character gets a katana for her birthday and uses that to kill the main zombie, then the rest of the party shows up and everyone gets murdered.
Plot.
Is the story aliens?
Stop it.
What's the best scene?
The entire ending fight with the main zombie. Its so over the top dumb in the stupidest way that it ceases to make any sense at all and just becomes fun.
In the course of a single fight which lasts like 5 minutes, the girl goes from stabbing the zombie repeatedly in the chest for like two minutes while having flashbacks of the ENTIRE MOVIE, to hitting the zombie with a lamp, to pressing its face in to some cake, to throwing presents at it, to shooting silly string in its face, and finally to cutting it with a katana.
I just sat there dumbfounded until my arms started spontaneously waving while my brain tried to process everything that had just happened. Silly string to a zombie's face. Why? Why would you have silly string at an 18th birthday party? Does that even count as a plot hole? Who cares, it actually gets more insane from there.
What about nudity?
There are two gratuitous nudity scenes. The first scene involves an asian girl who probably has a character name, but dies in like 3 minutes so I'm not going to bother looking it up.
She drops her sunglasses in fake blood and gets some on her shirt. Rather than using the fake blood as part of her costume, she gets angry and tries to wash it off her shirt inside of some house's creepy basement which is certainly not up to plumbing code. This process involves her removing her shirt, so you have like 10 minutes of her walking around topless. She also talks to an electrician topless for some reason, and his first action when meeting her is to shine the flashlight on her breasts. Priorities.
The second is a shower scene with the main character, where she spends way too much time washing her breasts and the space between and around her breasts. Normally in the shower I'll give two passes on my crotch and its clean. I spend a lot more time scrubbing between my ass cheeks. I think most people spend a lot more time on their ass than on their boobs and/or crotch. Hair probably most often.
The ass just gets way dirtier. Have you seen the shit that comes out okay I'll stop.
No but seriously, that scene has no payoff at all. Its just there because he managed to convince her to get naked for a scene and/or he was sleeping with her/dating and just had the footage...I guess? Basically because tits.
What's the worst part of the movie?
Every minute of the opening scene.
The movie opens with some dude in a beard murdering his whole family for some reason. Despite being set in the 1930s, there's clearly modern lamps all around the house and the wife is using a meat tenderizer from Wal-mart on a prepped chicken probably also from Wal-mart. There are clearly modern electrical switches on the wall, and why do you bother filming something in the 1930s in the same filter as the rest of the movie?
Black and white is a cliche filter to have on older movies, but I'm not exactly watching this shit to see the grand mastery of cinema. Its the perfect time to use Black and White footage because nobody is going to watch this movie as a serious work of art anyway.
Hey, aren't you missing something?
Yes. So I fucked up.
This movie is actually a choose your own adventure film. Yes. You can choose how the character's die. Why? I don't know. This movie is basically Clue.
Problem is, that's only available on the DVD. I watched it streaming. So guys. Rent it on DVD, or buy it for like a dollar, if you can find it. Because its good. Especially the dumb ass murders.
Still not as good as Samurai Cop. Don't request that film by the way, I'll be doing that as a special.
FINISHED
*It's My Party and I'll Die If I Want To" - A Clue in the Cabin in the Woods of the Evil Dead?
NOT FINISHED
My Bloody Valentine Adaptation B..oh god why.
FAN REQUEST FRIDAY
Keep 'em coming! Voting is called off Thursday at noon eastern to give me a bit of time to find a movie. So far we have a few suggestions:
Ice Spiders Ginger Snaps Long R...Ruo...Whatever Raising Arizona
Want a full version of the film?
Oh my. That does appear to have been shot on a Flip. Since you seem hell-bent on watching these terrible little films, allow me to share a few secrets about terrible little films: 1) They cannot be sold unless they are 90 minutes long. They are generally made from scripts that are 90 pages long. Unfortunately they are made by people who are incapable of getting all 90 pages on the screen successfully so after the edit, they end up being 75-80 minutes long. They are then padded out with an additional 10-15 minutes of footage so that they can be sold. *Now you understand the pacing problems inherent in tiny, shitty little slasher films. 2) They sell better with nudity in them in most markets. They sell better with zero nudity in them in some markets. As such, the best approach is to add scenes of gratuitous nudity that can be cut around for export to Muslim or Hindu countries. 3) They are generally the labours of love of people who have read Rebel Without a Crew but don't understand that Miramax only made that mistake once. As such they are usually financed by credit cards and their backers are eager to offload any sunk costs they can. As such, they are usually purchased by distribution companies for pennies on the dollar (in this case, Maxim Media. 4) Said distribution companies often recoup considerable expenses by saddling the movies with deliverables that said movies cannot meet, and then billing said movies for the provision of said deliverables. It is entirely possible (and entirely common) for directors and producers to lose money selling to outfits such as these. 5) None of the above should be construed as a defense of terrible cinema. I sit through terrible cinema on a daily basis (am doing so on the other monitor, in fact) but I get paid. Just saying that this stuff shouldn't really be regarded as "movies" per se, more as "film students' debtor's prison." Quote of the Day: "and then the main character gets a katana for her birthday"