- I first heard about the male deficit model, the sociological theory that men are lousy at friendship, a few months after my friend Matt moved to Seattle.
According to the Male Deficit Model, friendships between men function and falter within strict pragmatic categories: "convenience friends," for example, exchange helpful favors but don't interact much otherwise; "mentor friends," who connect primarily through one man's tutelage of the other; or "activity friends," which Matt and I became by surfing in San Francisco.
I can remember a college professor scolding his male students for hanging out with each other outside of class: "Men don't have friends. We have business contacts. Grow up!" He wasn't the least bit bothered by his female students befriending each other. Men are just as crippled by gender roles as women used to be. The difference is that few people want to recognize this or address it.
I don't think so. I have a number of close male friends. Having a child has definitely reduced my 'guy time', but I am making a conscious effort to change that. I plan to start a monthly game night and push it to bi-weekly if we can. It's tough with a two-year old. A group of my high school male friends gathers once each year for a conference. We each have to present something, and a Q&A session follows. In addition to that, we drink and play games. We have done this 12 years in a row, and I don't think that we will ever stop. These guys are brothers to me. My father had a group of four childhood friends that remained close their whole lives. Sadly, only two are left and they are in their mid sixties. One thing I appreciate about my male friends, is that we don't have to talk about our problems for therapeutic benefit. Just hanging out and shooting the shit typically makes me feel much better about anything that has been getting me down.
What's interesting is that this can also tie back to why many young men can have trouble early in marriages. I can speak from experience, that therapeutic benefit for women is very strong, and initially it was difficult to process that she just wanted to talk about her problems (and I couldn't help but to try and solve them). It was all so simple after that...
I can't tell if you are being facetious here, but it works either way. :) It's very true that men and women often differ in how they prefer to work out their problems, whereby women prefer to talk it out and men often prefer to do something that takes their mind off of it. Of course, it's just a generalization, but it's one that applies to my marriage as well. All relationships seem to evolve to lower energy states, which to a point, is a good thing.It was all so simple after that...
Great, exactly what I want to hear. EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE GUYS! Also this for humorAnd don't think you're immune because of the great relationship you have with your wife. A team of researchers from around the world analyzed a vast mobile phone database – 2 billion calls and 500 million text messages – and found that by the time married women hit 45 or so, they demote their husbands from first to second place among their most important relationships, typically in favor of a daughter or a younger female friend. It turns out our wives are going to dump us without even leaving the marriage.
I did notice this. 6 years ago I moved from Israel to Germany for studies. I could count the times I talked to my best friend at home on two hands. Now I am back for 2.5 months of vacation, and its as if I didn't leave anymore. Even though I have to push him to tell me whats wrong with him... I have a good friend from Germany who I shared loads of awesome times with, I wonder what will happen with that relationship... I also noticed that I have more female friends than male friends (MUCH more), what does that say about me?
The question of friendship is complex. Often times I think that some of my male friends are asking me a favor simply to engage in activity ("Hey, can you help me move a couch?"). There are mentors of mine that I've established relationships with both as a matter of convenience (i.e. frequenting the same place) and for working on projects (e.g. business partners). I like how the article tends to bleed the categories together, and how it brings up the changing nature of mens' relationships via technology. What about the transgendered? I'd like to phrase a more apt question, but I'm not sure as to how I should do it.
I had no idea that loneliness is that bad for your health. That was an interesting read and I'd agree that male friendships are often lacking. With the exceptions of my roommates at college and a few other people, my most fulfilling friendships are with females. I have a pretty even amount of friends between male and female, but I've found that I spend much more time with my female friends as opposed to my male friends. Both physically and talking to them through text messaging, internet, or whatever other method. Not sure what to make of that.