- Recently, an article ran on Noisey that was titled “How to Survive Being the Only Girl in a Band.” Because I was hearing a lot about this article from friends and I am currently the only woman in a four-piece band, I read it. What I found in this article was similar to what I found nine years ago: my feelings and needs were obsolete or secondary to a man’s. And while this piece was problematic both as an example of blatant missing-the-point feminism that was cemented in a public forum, it sure did get a lot of people talking.
I spoke to a few people that I admire deeply and asked them to write a response. I asked what about this article was problematic to them and really didn’t give any further guidelines. I was interested in a broader perspective and experience than was mentioned in the original article, an article that involved stereotypes and reinforced gender roles. I was interested in how other lives have been affected by the sometimes bitter and chauvinistic world of being a musician. I wanted to open a dialogue.
As an aside, Swearin' is a great band.
Very interesting and important response to this article. Thanks bfx for posting it. Here are some lines that stood out for me. In response to finding an all-ages, punk club Upon hearing a band whose lyrics were hateful: The following comment seems crucial - not just for bands but any team. I'd like to see an article, for example, called "How to Survive Being the Only Girl in a Start-Up Team." But we all struggle uphill against the current of a thousand microaggressions daily, and we cannot always do it alone. Our male bandmates have to be our allies, and our relationship has to be built on mutual respect and an ability to communicate openly. . . . and to be open to the possibility that people of differing genders, races, preferences and so on, might experience the world in ways different from yours - but as valid as your own. "Reality" is a constant negotiation.We felt connected to something, which is all any teenager really wants.
It also taught me the thorough importance of words, and more specifically, the words you use when you are fortunate enough to have listeners. When you are given a public forum and you have an audience of unnamed, random people who are listening to you, why would you assume anything about them? There are ways to speak to a group of people without characterizing them and their thought processes as identical to your own, and really we should all be adhering to these unspoken rules.
I don't know what the unspoken rules would be exactly, but her comment seems to apply to hubski.The best way to survive being the only woman in a band is to make sure you are in a band with dudes that you respect and trust, and who respect and trust you. You are strong as hell and you can take care of yourself, but sometimes you will still end up in situations (especially on tour) where the power dynamic is imbalanced and you can’t advocate for yourself alone. Your banddudes need to be able to advocate for you if needed, and understand why they are in a unique position to be supportive of you.
I would modify this statement to read: We felt connected to something, which is all anyone really wants, but which is particularly hard for teenagers to find, and the source of much of their angst.We felt connected to something, which is all any teenager really wants.
I have to agree with you b_b -- humans seem to need connection. When ex-gang members are interviewed, they often say they joined the gang for the feeling of connection and family that the gang offered. The need for connection is great, probably because we agree with Jewish philosopher, Richard Rubenstein, who said this, "We stand in a cold, silent, unfeeling cosmos unaided by any purposeful power beyond our own resources." Luckily, it seems our own resources are extensive, untapped, and mysterious and include resources for togetherness, cooperation, mercy, patience, and revelation. It's wonderful to feel connected to something that moves in the direction of goodness (at least as we perceive it).
Well, there's a basic philosophical difference between "come out of" and "come into." "To come out of" implies that we are all connected to the fabric of the universe, and thus we are all connected to one another and to every other living being in a very fundamental way. "To come into" implies that the universe exists independent of us, and that we happen to occupy an infinitesimal part of it for an infinitesimal time. One is a philosophy of connection and the other of division. I don't know that either is correct or incorrect (or if it even makes sense to talk about which is "right", as existence doesn't lend itself to logical inquiry very well), but, for whatever reason, I prefer the former. In the former, the cosmos could never be said to be "unfeeling." Therefore, I don't wish to change the statement, but rather challenge its assumptions.
I suspect there are some cultures (including historically earlier ones) in which the connection to the universe is embedded in the collective consciousness and/or unconsciousness. There are also some individuals whose presence almost creates an awareness of connection to the universe. This conversation reminds me of Thoreau, who said here: I prefer the former
I prefer "to come out of" the universe as well. I prefer to imagine I am connected "the fabric of the universe" rather than deposited into it. This relates back to the original sentence regarding connection and your statement that a feeling of connection "is all anyone really wants."Men frequently say to me, "I should think you would feel lonesome down there, and want to be nearer to folks, rainy and snowy days and nights especially." I am tempted to reply to such — This whole earth which we inhabit is but a point in space. How far apart, think you, dwell the two most distant inhabitants of yonder star, the breadth of whose disk cannot be appreciated by our instruments? Why should I feel lonely? is not our planet in the Milky Way?
I would say that the unspoken rules part ties back into this conversation from a post you made a few weeks ago. Sadie said it best with how a lot of these points are true in any area: I think that Noisey article was garbage and not worth taking too seriously, this article I agree with much more. It's interesting, I've met Meredith and Sadie, and know a lot of other female musicians and some of the stuff they deal with is absurd. Things like arriving for soundcheck and it being assumed they're with the band but not in the band, or getting catcalled by drunk people at a show, being ignored by other bands that they're playing with, and anything in between."I wish she hadn't used a gendered lens to make up these rules, because some of these tips are universal truisms."