For fearing of stinking up the pub, I'd like a stiff drink. I think it's official. I think I'm depressed. It's been three months of seesawing emotions and steadily feeling more and more like shit. I'm at a bit of a low. And I'm hedging with "a bit of". It's remarkable how my perception of the quality of my life has little relationship to how my life actually is. There are so many objective measures by which my life is fucking awesome. Instead, I feel that my ambitions and confidence are disappearing. What happened? On another note, it's fascinating to me that I have a serious reservation about sharing this with you guys. It's like I don't want to entangle my digital friends with my real life problems.
My sister just started this book on mindfulness which basically details an eight week plan for mindfulessness training. One of the first things it recommends doing in the first week is changing chairs. So instead of sitting at the normal chair at your table, in a cafe or anywhere sit somewhere you wouldn't normally sit. Sometimes we get so stuck in routine we stop noticing everything around us and we end up feeling disconnected. Something that might help change your perspective if you're stuck in a rut or help somebody else who would also like a stiff drink.
I have Mindfulness in Plain English on my list. I do believe there is a form of salvation within the Mindfulness school. I guess I should move it the front of the list, then.
I've heard good things about that book, great place to start ! I think mindfulness just helps add something else to life when we are stuck in a regular mundane routine. I'm sure you can think of those comics showing somebody doing the same boring thing everyday (getting ready for work, sitting in traffic, working at a desk, traffic again, home, bed). Mindfulness just adds a little something else to the day.
I think I have a lot of control. Short of quitting my jobs, I more or less control what happens in my free time, today or next month. It's just a lack of will. And imagination. That's the scariest part. The ideas that used to take such hold of me now seem... greyed out. Not greyed out by circumstances, but because the feedback I seem to be getting from the universe is so discouraging. And the fact that these discouragements seem so effective is even more discouraging. I don't know if that makes sense. That said, I'm about to go on a run. I try to follow a rule that if my brain is sending me waves and waves of funk, to get up and move. It helps sometimes.
I am deeply and personally aware of this feel. I wouldn't describe myself as 'playful.' Creative, sure, in some senses more than others. I have goals, I have things that I want to do, things that I enjoy but it's all dead-fucking-serious. Not sure how to address it though. Hope the run helped.The ideas that used to take such hold of me now seem... greyed out.
I meant like as an item on a drop-down menu. Where the system says the options are unavailable. And you kind of accept because it doesn't feel like there's anything you can do about it. In retrospect, that metaphor was not very fleshed out.The ideas that used to take such hold of me now seem... greyed out.
Makes sense. Personally I sense it as a.... Vibrancy, I guess is the closest word. I might not always notice when I feel it/experience it, but I definitely notice it's absence. I find the computer analogy kind of comforting actually, because it means that things can (With enough consideration and thoughtful effort) eventually be made usable/accessible.
When I am feeling depressed the following two things happen, both of which I suspect are similar to what you (both) are describing - 1) Know the phrase, "Not a fan"? A common idiom used to express a negative emotion or feeling, but not intensely negative - more like a passive or background dislike as opposed to active and impassioned. When I'm depressed, I find I become "not a fan" - of myself, of anything I can do or create. None of it passes muster or can live up to my desires or expectations or hopes. Everything simply falls short, and I feel "not a fan" of my work (/myself). 2) No matter what options I have in front of me for "things to do," nothing is appealing. It is similar to "not a fan" in that nothing is overtly off-putting - I'm not like "Oh god no I would never do that!" - but I simply have no desire to do anything that I could do, even things I regularly enjoy and such. I guess I feel these things are similar to "greyed out" and "lack of vibrancy" because both of you seem to be talking about how things may remain present, or visible, or seem within reach or ability or grasp - but faded, diminished, lessened.