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comment by steve
steve  ·  3444 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: Forget The Red Sports Car. The Midlife Crisis Is A Myth

    After interviewing more than 400 people

ok...

edit: Her advice on keeping am marriage strong is as thin as the article itself. Ugh. There is no magic pill to take when you're in your 40s to make your marriage strong.

    Add novelty to your routine. Go dancing or rent an RV.

Yah - buy a gas guzzling money pitt with debt or your retirement fund. See how that "money problem" helps to strengthen your marriage. While I'd agree that some fun, novelty, and spontaneity may be good for a marriage... if you start during "mid-life" it may very well be too little, too late.

    Try to think as a team. Studies show that those do so are happier and less likely to get divorced after 20 years as those who think in terms of "I" or "me."

If you're not already doing this... god help you.

    Focus on building trust, so that your partner becomes your safe harbor, not a source of threat. Studies show you may not only save your marriage but also change your brain.

So you want your partner of 10-20 years to start trusting you now? oof.

...

Look - some of these bubble gum flavored tips are halfway decent for newlyweds regardless of age... but seriously? buy an RV?





user-inactivated  ·  3441 days ago  ·  link  ·  

You're being way harsh on the good advice:

    Add novelty to your routine. Go dancing or rent an RV.

Life acts on the inverse law of entropy: that is, it becomes more ordered with time, and this order becomes boring after a very small while, though we only notice it while drowning in it. I'm not married, but I can imagine that living with the same person in the same way day after day, month after month, can take its toll in the same way other kinds of routines do. As such, it's important to add a spice or two every once in a while; maybe not renting RV for its own sake, but dancing sounds good. I say - go ahead, learn something you didn't know, figure new things out. Travel. Explore. Do something you usually don't and see what sticks. The world is gigantic; you'll always find something new.

steve  ·  3440 days ago  ·  link  ·  

I think perhaps we agree more than it may seem.

I am harsh on incurring debt (buying an RV) in order to build/fix a marriage. The kind of things you suggest:

    it's important to add a spice or two every once in a while; maybe not renting RV for its own sake, but dancing sounds good. I say - go ahead, learn something you didn't know, figure new things out. Travel. Explore. Do something you usually don't and see what sticks. The world is gigantic; you'll always find something new.

are all fantastic things. But they are things that married people (and single people) should do along the way. What I was suggesting is that people need to foster their relationships throughout their lives, and not wait for middle age malaise to set in before deciding to act.

user-inactivated  ·  3440 days ago  ·  link  ·  

    What I was suggesting is that people need to foster their relationships throughout their lives, and not wait for middle age malaise to set in before deciding to act.

Certainly. Speaking from experience, though: routine sucks energy and curiosity out of you, and when you're stuck there, it's hard to get out. When you do the same thing every day (or every week, in case of students), it seems like there's nothing new under the Sun. How does one get free of such soul-sucking ideas, at least for a time?