I put a social worker through grad school. Her entire family were Freudian psychoanalysts. Every Friday we'd go over to their house and violate HIPAA as they shot the shit about patients, therapy, and how you mindfuck people for money. She was also an emotional sadist; her jollies came from tweaking you when you were up so you would be down, and tweaking you when you were down so you'd be despondent. Once despondent you were reliant and once reliant she could crush you some more. Four years of that and you learn some things about emotions and human nature. I bring this up because "introspection" plus "training" leaves you with "holy shit I coulda dated so many more girls in high school." You gotta let it go, man. Mathematically? You're with that girl somewhere in time. Enjoy the hypothetical and enjoy the reality. Li'l story. I built a car from the framerails up. I drove it from New Mexico to Washington, on my own, tweaking it as I went, breaking in the engine, discovering the auxiliary tank leaked and that I'd probably blown a head gasket because my cooling setup was, not to put too fine a point on it, designed by a seventeen-year-old. And somewhere north of Salt Lake and south of Boise I ripped past a girl with her thumb up and didn't even slow down. Because, you see, if I broke down where would she be? It took about a year for me to realize that if I'd broken down she'd be on the side of the road, exactly where she was then. Over the course of that year she'd become The Most Beautiful Girl In The World and also My Soulmate. There she stood, thumb perpetually up, for a good ten years at least. She even made it into a screenplay (that was a finalist for a fellowship I might add). About Year 11 I realized I was obsessed with a glimpse at 80mph of someone who was more likely than not a drug addict or runaway or otherwise damaged human (I had a real thing for damaged humans) and that whatever romanticism I assigned to the outcome had nothing to do with anyone but me. It was liberating. But there's an alternate universe where I picked her up. There's an alternate universe where we're married, there's an alternate universe where she's a serial killer. Charlie Kauffman is a loser. Anyone who can take a story like The Orchid Thief and make it about themselves is bereft of insight. Find something other than sour grapes to chew on. You'll thank me.
i have a lot less life experience than either of you but i have a lot of this kind of experience specifically - wanting is something i can relate to. i wrote something the other day that i had been meaning to put on hubski so i'll put it here Patched up with perfume on cracked-lipped crevices That caught man sticking: Wishing: Well, I beat him brutal; he breathes out breasts, I clot him steady; I cut him again. I paint him sore; he takes it green - Would that he had been ready: the woman unwilling. wanting the future is okay - it's okay to want to lose weight in the new year or want to buy a sports car. it would even be okay to have thoughts of "what if i left my wife to marry this lady i love" - i mean okay in terms of it not being inherently bad for you. but wanting the past is always going to be harmful to you because there's no way to change it. it might be fortune-cookie obvious to say it, but it's obvious because it's important. potential reality is addictive and indulging in it can only ever be hurtful i don't know anything, all i know is that i know what you mean by mental stormGo attic-kept, unventured, unopened, arranged -
Mental storm indeed. I used to spend a lot of time pondering the what-ifs, but a lot of the therapy into my anxiety was focused on that pondering. While normal me would think about the potential universe where this or that happened; the anxiety me would fixate on the chance that I inhabited the universe where a specific awful thing was 100%, without a doubt, going to happen. As a result of the therapy, I don't ponder what-ifs much, these days. I'm thankful for it. I've had those mental storms, some anxiety induced, others echoing b_b's situation almost entirely. I'm still young, but I feel like I have too few mornings remaining. Not enough sunrises. It's fuel though - these mornings are precious, and the time spent with the people I've wound up with, even more so. I agree, wanting the future is okay, and shit even wanting a future that didn't come to pass is something everyone entertains. Just don't let it stack up to the potential of this future.
Thing is? they're not ridiculous. They're stuff that happens to everyone and everyone has to work through it. My present is pretty great but my past futures are amazing because the annoying shit that trips us up in real life never hits our potentials.
I’m back in town! Planning to move back to my apartment by December but it looks like my ex still has not found a place to move to. The market is tough, but also it’s been 3 months now… and it’s rough because he’s looking for a cheap place. I don’t want to be a dick and kick him out but I also need to move on. I have a lot of thinking to do about what I’m looking for in a partner, because it almost feels like the qualities I want would not occur in a single person. But I’m not going to be dating for now. Probably need to stay single for a little while after 10 years with someone. Also need to evaluate my next career move. My previous job solidified my worries about not being a fit for stable 9-5 office work. But it’s also the type of work I can most easily find and am most qualified for. My ideal contract-based, engaging, well paying and possibly remote position probably doesn’t exist. I still have time, but my friend was advising me not to do things Willy nilly like I have been and always keep in mind to build towards something. But that type of more long term thinking is giving me anxiety about the decisions I will have to be making soon. Because that could be anything from moving countries to going back to school to changing specialisation… I like to do meaningful shit but also would not mind being paid more at this point in my life, do something beyond entry level stuff. I’ve done a ton of interesting work in my life so far, but it’s getting frustrating how often the same question falls back on the table and it often doesn’t feel like I’ve made progress on finding an answer. Despite being a really competent person overall and good at getting shit done.
Honestly, your reservations notwithstanding, between broad know-your-shit skills and overall aptitude for people, for a long time you sounded better-suited for managing than most folks. Plus, you are the kind of enviable person who'd come to a new place, and within a week have talked with everyone, get the gist of goings-on, and have a better idea about everything than I'd have in a year. It's an invaluable quality.
Aww thanks! The people hearding was definitely a fun part of my last job, but it also felt like thankless groveling a lot of the time when everyone around is a volunteer. And a big part of why I get so much done is my laziness and stopping at « good enough » to move on to the next thing. Would infuriate my perfectionist boss, but I’d say I can either do one thing well or 5 things okay in the same timeframe. Or I’d let people off the hook for subpar work and have to take on the rest... Delegating and assertiveness is something I still need to work on that is essential in management work. I probably rather be a troubleshooter type person that comes in, fixes and gets things unstuck and move along. When I started managing the makerspace, I had to create all the systems, from IT to community building to management. But as the project grew it became maintaining the place with no free time to improve or create new shit because our membership and classes offered more than doubled. So the more successful we got, the more boring and menial my job became. With increased pressure and less support and oversight as I was more trusted to make decisions. Not helped by the ever deteriorating relationship with my boss. I really think they failed big time on that front because I could have grown in my role if they were more attentive to my concerns. But I’m probably to blame too not being able to express exactly what changes I needed. It’s crazy how fast a job that was basically built for me became a nightmare. I’m glad I’m gone but I also learned a ton in my 1.5 years there.
That's a very brief and sober summary of the situation. You know where you need to grow, what were the problems, have an idea on what worked and a probable cause on why it didn't. And you didn't even need 20 slides of pointlessly redundant flowcharts, so you've already beaten every 6-sigma'er I ever talked to. It might not be your cup of tea in the long run, but IMO it's an area worth further look. Ultimately, I'm here for mere encouragement.
Work is spiraling hilariously - and I can do nothing but watch. Everyone who matters knows I have no control over this. I'm just in triage mode, deciding what needs to be kept afloat as we approach the Christmas break. I'll be 3 staff down in the coming weeks, and the division overall will be down 13 of 53 around the same time. I've realized something that probably should have been apparent to me years before. At work, I encounter certain people who need to be right. To the point that they actually get combative if everything is done perfectly. I've always just navigated that as best I could, occasionally even deliberately making small mistakes so they could point it out, and we'd be on good terms because they felt useful. Lately though, I've realized, and this sounds super obvious typing it out, but... It's not just about them being right, it's about someone else being wrong. That's the kicker. They didn't want to just be useful, they needed to be sure someone else was being taken to task. I honestly don't know how I didn't see that until recently. But it's helped a lot, reframing these interactions and what they actually want out of it. That said, it's not all doom and gloom. We should get a nice pay increase once the union deal goes through. Also my veggies are fuckin' popping off! It's been super humid and wet of late so everything is just going ham in my garden. Alongside the gardening, my various hobbies are keeping me very entertained and I feel like I'm enjoying everything I'm doing outside of work, so overall, a net positive experience of late.
Caught Modest Mouse on their Lonesome Crowded West tour. Such a seminal album, so weird to have such strong relationships with albums that were released to the world when I was less than six years old...and seeing a band play songs they haven't played since '97 and '98. Just a wild, cathartic experience. They were into it, too, it wasn't like they were just going through the motions. I really need to find some friends to go to concerts with, though. I don't really know anyone who wants to go see that, or go see Yo La Tengo next time their in town, or go see Luna when they come through Seattle...the list goes on and on. That part is a bit difficult. Not sure how to bridge that gap.